Shattered
by Starlight Soul
Summary: What happens when you think you've lost what you always wanted. This is not a death fic. Mega Angst.


Untitled

Author: Starlight Soul

Beta: Arianrhod Gaul

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of the characters.

Author Notes: This is not a death fic, Heero angst ahead. C&C welcome.

**Shattered**

I can't believe he's gone. After all of the things we've faced he's gone. Last we knew the mission went badly; they've declared him dead. The heart only he believed I have is breaking and for the first time, I have to wonder if it doesn't exist because of him. I've started to become numb again; the same all encompassing numbness I lived on before the war.

I can't stand this place without him. I'm alone and yet I can hear his laughter, see the glint of sunlight off his braid. I must be losing my mind. He's gone. He's gone and with him, my heart. I can't remember the last time I cried and yet I cannot stop. I have to lock myself in the spare room to stop seeing him sprawled out on the couch a book resting against his chest where he fell asleep the day before he left.

He haunts me and yet he is not there. My world has gone dark, his light lost to me and I have no idea how to find my way. I have no will left to find my way without my light. How did I become so dependant? How could I need anyone as much as I need him? My head screams that it's irrational; my shattered heart is louder. He taught my heart to be louder.

He was my partner. I should have been there, not some rookie that's never seen battle. It should have been simple. Get in, get information, and get out; that's it. It was an easy mission, nowhere near as dangerous as the things we faced a few short years ago during the war. He should have come back to me and I hate him for leaving me here alone; I hate myself more for it.

I have no idea how long I've lain here. The rest of the apartment hurts too much. He's there, no matter were I look. He won't leave me alone, he never would. Without him, I am nothing and I don't want to go on without him. The phone has been ringing for hours and I don't care. I can't stop crying. The tears won't stop. They are molten ice, boring straight to my soul with razor sharpness.

I could end it here; it would be so easy, just another piece of my training. Slow my breathing; slow my heart. It wouldn't take much to push it further, to make my heart stop beating completely. I have to wonder if it hasn't stopped beating already. There's pounding at the door but I'm too tired to move. I don't have the will anymore.

"Heero," I can hear him call me and it hurts so much that I want to curl up but have no strength. "Heero!" I must be crazy now because he sounds real; my dreams are bleeding into reality. It must be a dream because he's gone. They've declared him dead and with him, a part of me. He's been missing too long. The hands shaking me can't be real because Duo doesn't have a brace. "Heero, stop it!"

A heavy silken rope lands on my chest and I grab at it. Maybe I have been dreaming because I feel as though I've woken from a terrible nightmare. The world seems foggy and my eyes hurt but the braid in my hands is real. For the first time, since they declared him lost, I find I can focus. The man before me is bruised. He sports a brace on his right arm and a cast on his right leg.

"Duo…" My voice is pleading, begging for him to be real, to be my best friend, my lover, and never leave me. It's pathetic, and I know it but I can't help it.

"It's me, buddy," he responds, pulling me into his lap with his good arm, "Why didn't you answer the phone? Everyone's worried, Quatre said it's like you've stopped."

"Duo," the tears are still there with renewed fury and I can't make them stop. I'm clinging but my hands won't let go. He's here, holding me and rocking me. "They said you were gone, that you wouldn't be coming back. I… I can't… Please…. Don't go…." I'm babbling, unable to get anything coherent past the sudden idea that he's here.

He doesn't laugh, his face distorts into this terrifying caricature of my Duo, because my Duo has never looked that sad. He gathers me up, like I've seen him do with the children at the orphanage when they haven't been chosen again, and pulls me to his chest rocking. He's speaking, a plethora of mumbled nonsense through his own blistering tears.

It is his tears falling on my face that give me back a fraction of my control. They make me take a step back to myself and look at him. He is wrapped around me, his broken leg dangling off the edge of the bed. The brace on his wrist is an unfamiliar weight against my back as he rubs comforting circles. His face is bruised and I can see the familiar pattern of road rash from beneath his brace, up his arm, under the edge of his shirt, and into the bruises on his cheek.

"What happened?" I hear myself ask in a strangely thick voice.

"Jacobs had never been on a motorcycle before and that was all we had to make our escape after we were discovered. We were taking the curves too fast; it would have been okay... He panicked and threw us off balance. He took the brunt of the spill," answered Duo gently.

The great loss I've felt is replace by a great fear. "Where have you been?"

"We had to bunker down. They were nearly on top of us and we were still deep in their territory. Our radio was smashed in the crash." He's still holding me, rocking.

I'm trembling and I can't make it stop. The reality of how close it came is almost enough to throw me back into my numbness. My hands have a will of their own as they cling again. I manage to twist around and pull him into my lap to hold and rock him. My tears are back and it's all I can do to not squeeze him too tightly against me.

"Never again," I babble, "I can't loose you. I can't do it. I am not strong enough. You are my heart, my light. I can't…" I'm lost, sobbing into his disheveled braid. The soldier in me whines about how pathetic I have become, but I don't care. For the first time since we became lovers, I understand what he went through after my self destruct. I understand what he wouldn't tell me.

"Heero? Duo?" Quatre's concern is almost enough to cut through my tears but I'm still clinging and I can't let go. Weight on the bed, more than just Quatre, makes me look up just as three pair of arms enfolds us.

"You should have come to us, Yuy," Wufei chastises and yet he has pushed aside his usually reserved attitude to add comfort. His words are enough to ease my rampant emotions.

"If we lose one, we lose both," Trowa is quiet in the sharing of his knowledge, and I have no doubt that what he says is true, "and we would lose a part of who we are. It is the same for them as it is with us. Five souls entwined for eternity, five parts of a whole; and though we would not fade as quickly, we would fade nonetheless."


End file.
